"Welcome to my place to ramble. It's for thoughts, ponderings, questions, aimless tidbits and occasional rantings. It's also for stories, photos, humor and a little old fashioned coffee clatch clatter. Come, pull up a chair and sit a spell."
Sunday, March 19, 2006, 8:25 AM
I was tagged officially by Shephard and unofficially by Colin, so here it is. This was harder than I thought.
List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once.
1. If you don't take care of yourself, your child WILL be an orphan before he's an adult. That is a professional opinion. You've started another health program but you will quit, just like you always do. 2. You don't believe you will be successful because then you would be in competition with your husband, so you sabotage yourself. You would deny this till your last dying breath. 3. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you but she is the type of person I avoid and honestly, you enable her. 4. Why do you have to lie? Don't you know that we ALL know you lie? Don't you know that we would love and respect you MORE if you stopped lying? 5. Hello-LIFE is passing you by-WTF are you afraid of? Get off your dead ass and do something. 6. She's the only mother you have. She's not perfect, nor are you. How many more decades are you going to be estranged? She'll be gone very soon. Very soon. 7. You are SO like your mother, JMJ. Why won't you trust that I do know what I am talking about? You are so stubborn, you border on the absurd. 8. I would like to be closer to you, but you'll only run. So, I will never tell you and I will continue to keep my distance. 9. You are not a nice person. Everyone thinks you are just difficult but that you have a good heart. That is the biggest sell job I have ever seen. You are a nasty, backstabbing, and gossiping wench and you make everyone miserable. 10. Why didn't you stay in touch with me? Was she worth losing your best friend over? Or maybe I really wasn't your best friend. Why wasn't I important enough to you?
After I read this, I thought, man, what a nasty angry person I am. Why am I so angry? I posted some time ago that I dreamed about yelling at people and that was okay because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by doing it in person. But maybe holding all this inside by pretending I wasn't angry wasn't the best management of my feelings. On the other hand, what good will it do to tell these people, either bluntly as demonstrated above or with finesse and diplomacy? I will just be showing them what I feel and they will then know it and things won't change so why show them what I am really thinking/feeling?
I try to keep toxic people out of my life. I am blessed with some wonderful family and friends but, I guess I just have issues with self esteem. It is important to me for people to listen to me and value me. I can't believe I am typing this. How could I have been feeling so self- actualized one year ago and have deteriorated to this level? Is working closely with people day after day what has caused my decline? Has their crap rubbed off on me or was I just in my own little universe before? A happy, delightful state of denial. I came to the conclusion a week and a half ago, that I have a chip on my shoulder. I was expecting behavior from certain people and I was lashing out. At first I thought it was just hormonal but then I figured, it wasn't, so I validated it by acting on those feelings and subsequently ate a very large slice of humble pie. So, when I recently found myself driving back and forth to Denver, instead of talking on the phone and catching up with family and friends, I left the radio off and let my mind wander and contemplate at will. Sharp insights occasionally would flash across my brain and I would hold it for a moment and try to examine it but it would be gone and I cannot recall them now. I still feel as though I have some work to do on this particular issue. So, I guess it can wait until those lightening flashes of insight develop into a forest fire of change. I know I can never have back what I had last year. I think I am angry at myself for changing my life and basically selling my happiness. I know I have to create and nurture happiness now. But first I need to let go of the chip on my shoulder, the repressed anger and some other crap.
The other thing that came to mind as I read the list of ten above is that whenever you accuse someone of something, generally you are guilty of it as well. That's how you were able to recognize it. Or as stated in the old adage, 'when you point a finger at someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at you'. So what of the ten listed above am I guilty of as well? Numbers two and eight and a bit of number one.
I'm Pam and Bill.
We are DINKS with DOGS & CATS and chickens and turkeys.
Met on a blind date in October of 1993 and married in August of 1994. We have five dogs and two cats.
We live on about 122 or so acres in Southern Vermont. About 12 acres of pasture and the rest is woodland..