I Heal...slowly
Friday, August 18, 2006, 6:30 AM
It's been a very long 17 months. I started my current job in March 05. I started blogging in November 05.
I've had a tremendous period of struggle and strife.
I left a job I was very good at. I'm not blowing sunshine up your butt. I was. Very good. It wasn't a struggle to go to work, to be at work. I loved what I did. For those of you that can't remember..I was a home health nurse. The old fashioned name is visiting nurse. I went from house to house, checking on people, instructing them on their disease process and more importantly, managing those disease processes. That included diet, meds, exercise, lifestyle changes etc.. I managed complicated wound care. I administered IV medications. I managed epidural pain treatments. I managed their recovery process. I tried hard to make them not only a part of their recovery but to take responsibility for their health. I find so often that chronically ill people have accepted 'the sick role' and have become quite passive.
But that's another post entirely.
In many ways, it felt as if I were self employed. I only went to the office once a week. And sometimes it would be after hours. And of course, I would only be in the office for an hour or so. The rest of the time, I worked out of my home office, or I was in my car, tooling around town, deciding my schedule, caring for my patients, having lunch with a friend...etc.
About 3 or so years ago, I had gotten to the point where I was getting just a smidgen bored with my job. So I began researching and studying different aspects of what I was teaching my patients to make it more valuable. At the same time, I was developing my Shaklee business. It went hand in hand although I never spoke to my patients about Shaklee for that would have been illegal (Stark Law). Much to my chagrin ;0]
All in all, I was frickin' happy. Truly, content, satisfied, efficacious, and peaceful. However, I saw a need. I wanted to further my preceptor role in the company I was working for. I wanted to flesh out a real Staff Development role. Education is important and as matter of fact, is one of the definitions of a health care professional. "A lifelong commitment to learning." And since patient education is easily 3/4 or more of the job, I felt that needed fleshing out as well. Literally, the company I used to work for had NO patient teaching guides to hand out and we wer mandated not to use internet items. Nada. WTF???
I took my ideas and I approached my boss. My bosses boss and then their boss. I got the ole carrot on a stick. So.... no harm, no foul. I pressed on with my learning and my Shaklee business. I saw my patients, not as just a job, but almost as a mission. How could I make good health not only an achievable goal but a desirable goal as well. So I wasn't just going in to their homes and acting all expert like. I was making relationships and finding the thing that would help the patient and/or the caregiver find meaning in what they were doing.
Truly, happy. Content, satisfied, efficacious, and peaceful. Ahh, the good ole days. No, really. I knew how happy I was. Almost daily I counted my blessings. Reveled in my happiness. Heck, I rolled around in it like a dog on a dead animal or pile of pooh.
Then, the offer of a lifetime came my way. WOW. I am soooo lucky. I can take what I know and what I want to do and apply it to make a great Staff Development role. Be the support for the staff. I was in heaven.... Cloud Nine. I embraced my new job and new company as if I was waiting all my life for them. I did what I had done with my romantic relationships all my life.
Whaaat? Whoa. What?
Yup. Before Bill, I gave my heart and soul to every man I dated. I tried to make a 'life' with every one. And was so heartbroken when they didn't want me or what I had to offer. I lost myself in the relationship. I finally figured out, that was self defeating. I took a few years to get my romantic act together and then, I felt good. I was learning to be happy and enjoy my singleness. Then came Bill.
Same thing happened with my new job. I lost myself. I gave away my self efficacy. I embraced the new company as if they were the be-all and end-all. Over the last 17 months I found myself, vulnerable, depressed, shattered, alone, betrayed....and suffering from all the lovely things people can do to others. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I let that happen? I'm relatively smart, but I made major and stooopid mistakes. I didn't really know how to be a Staff Development Coordinator. I had never done the job before. I didn't have an advanced degree in it. I shared those things with the management team...much to my disappointment. I didn't guard my feelings. I didn't safeguard my reputation. I gave it all away. Well, almost all.
So I find myself in a position that no savy career person would ever find themselves. Fighting for my reputation. Fighting for respect. Fighting my own self in way. These managers don't give a fig about me. Or what I feel. Or what I have done and have been doing. If it doesn't benefit them...i.e. take 'work' off their desk...it has little value to them.
Okay. So I'm on vacation. Getting back some of 'me'. I can be more objective about the situation. I use to run when confronted with what would appear to be a no-win situation. In the last 5-7 years, I dig my heels in now and say, "You'll have to fire me" I know....I truly know I have value. What I do has value. What I offer has value. But because I am not organized. Because I am rebuilding my shattered person...I am still vulnerable. And I don't really know how to 'recover' from this. The only advice I have for myself is...."walk the walk".
So, blogging has had it's challenges as well. I did some of the same behaviors with blogging.
And, I think that the resultant resorting to back to back meme's is directly related to this. I'm trying to open myself again. But forearmed or forewarned...I will be.
It's my decision to be happy. I am working at getting back to that place. I am deciding to be happy. If I fake it long enough it will come to fruition.
So...that's about all the soul baring I can handle this am.
Pam
| Permalink | By Pam and Bill
It's been a very long 17 months. I started my current job in March 05. I started blogging in November 05.
I've had a tremendous period of struggle and strife.
I left a job I was very good at. I'm not blowing sunshine up your butt. I was. Very good. It wasn't a struggle to go to work, to be at work. I loved what I did. For those of you that can't remember..I was a home health nurse. The old fashioned name is visiting nurse. I went from house to house, checking on people, instructing them on their disease process and more importantly, managing those disease processes. That included diet, meds, exercise, lifestyle changes etc.. I managed complicated wound care. I administered IV medications. I managed epidural pain treatments. I managed their recovery process. I tried hard to make them not only a part of their recovery but to take responsibility for their health. I find so often that chronically ill people have accepted 'the sick role' and have become quite passive.
But that's another post entirely.
In many ways, it felt as if I were self employed. I only went to the office once a week. And sometimes it would be after hours. And of course, I would only be in the office for an hour or so. The rest of the time, I worked out of my home office, or I was in my car, tooling around town, deciding my schedule, caring for my patients, having lunch with a friend...etc.
About 3 or so years ago, I had gotten to the point where I was getting just a smidgen bored with my job. So I began researching and studying different aspects of what I was teaching my patients to make it more valuable. At the same time, I was developing my Shaklee business. It went hand in hand although I never spoke to my patients about Shaklee for that would have been illegal (Stark Law). Much to my chagrin ;0]
All in all, I was frickin' happy. Truly, content, satisfied, efficacious, and peaceful. However, I saw a need. I wanted to further my preceptor role in the company I was working for. I wanted to flesh out a real Staff Development role. Education is important and as matter of fact, is one of the definitions of a health care professional. "A lifelong commitment to learning." And since patient education is easily 3/4 or more of the job, I felt that needed fleshing out as well. Literally, the company I used to work for had NO patient teaching guides to hand out and we wer mandated not to use internet items. Nada. WTF???
I took my ideas and I approached my boss. My bosses boss and then their boss. I got the ole carrot on a stick. So.... no harm, no foul. I pressed on with my learning and my Shaklee business. I saw my patients, not as just a job, but almost as a mission. How could I make good health not only an achievable goal but a desirable goal as well. So I wasn't just going in to their homes and acting all expert like. I was making relationships and finding the thing that would help the patient and/or the caregiver find meaning in what they were doing.
Truly, happy. Content, satisfied, efficacious, and peaceful. Ahh, the good ole days. No, really. I knew how happy I was. Almost daily I counted my blessings. Reveled in my happiness. Heck, I rolled around in it like a dog on a dead animal or pile of pooh.
Then, the offer of a lifetime came my way. WOW. I am soooo lucky. I can take what I know and what I want to do and apply it to make a great Staff Development role. Be the support for the staff. I was in heaven.... Cloud Nine. I embraced my new job and new company as if I was waiting all my life for them. I did what I had done with my romantic relationships all my life.
Whaaat? Whoa. What?
Yup. Before Bill, I gave my heart and soul to every man I dated. I tried to make a 'life' with every one. And was so heartbroken when they didn't want me or what I had to offer. I lost myself in the relationship. I finally figured out, that was self defeating. I took a few years to get my romantic act together and then, I felt good. I was learning to be happy and enjoy my singleness. Then came Bill.
Same thing happened with my new job. I lost myself. I gave away my self efficacy. I embraced the new company as if they were the be-all and end-all. Over the last 17 months I found myself, vulnerable, depressed, shattered, alone, betrayed....and suffering from all the lovely things people can do to others. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I let that happen? I'm relatively smart, but I made major and stooopid mistakes. I didn't really know how to be a Staff Development Coordinator. I had never done the job before. I didn't have an advanced degree in it. I shared those things with the management team...much to my disappointment. I didn't guard my feelings. I didn't safeguard my reputation. I gave it all away. Well, almost all.
So I find myself in a position that no savy career person would ever find themselves. Fighting for my reputation. Fighting for respect. Fighting my own self in way. These managers don't give a fig about me. Or what I feel. Or what I have done and have been doing. If it doesn't benefit them...i.e. take 'work' off their desk...it has little value to them.
Okay. So I'm on vacation. Getting back some of 'me'. I can be more objective about the situation. I use to run when confronted with what would appear to be a no-win situation. In the last 5-7 years, I dig my heels in now and say, "You'll have to fire me" I know....I truly know I have value. What I do has value. What I offer has value. But because I am not organized. Because I am rebuilding my shattered person...I am still vulnerable. And I don't really know how to 'recover' from this. The only advice I have for myself is...."walk the walk".
So, blogging has had it's challenges as well. I did some of the same behaviors with blogging.
And, I think that the resultant resorting to back to back meme's is directly related to this. I'm trying to open myself again. But forearmed or forewarned...I will be.
It's my decision to be happy. I am working at getting back to that place. I am deciding to be happy. If I fake it long enough it will come to fruition.
So...that's about all the soul baring I can handle this am.
Pam
I've had a tremendous period of struggle and strife.
I left a job I was very good at. I'm not blowing sunshine up your butt. I was. Very good. It wasn't a struggle to go to work, to be at work. I loved what I did. For those of you that can't remember..I was a home health nurse. The old fashioned name is visiting nurse. I went from house to house, checking on people, instructing them on their disease process and more importantly, managing those disease processes. That included diet, meds, exercise, lifestyle changes etc.. I managed complicated wound care. I administered IV medications. I managed epidural pain treatments. I managed their recovery process. I tried hard to make them not only a part of their recovery but to take responsibility for their health. I find so often that chronically ill people have accepted 'the sick role' and have become quite passive.
But that's another post entirely.
In many ways, it felt as if I were self employed. I only went to the office once a week. And sometimes it would be after hours. And of course, I would only be in the office for an hour or so. The rest of the time, I worked out of my home office, or I was in my car, tooling around town, deciding my schedule, caring for my patients, having lunch with a friend...etc.
About 3 or so years ago, I had gotten to the point where I was getting just a smidgen bored with my job. So I began researching and studying different aspects of what I was teaching my patients to make it more valuable. At the same time, I was developing my Shaklee business. It went hand in hand although I never spoke to my patients about Shaklee for that would have been illegal (Stark Law). Much to my chagrin ;0]
All in all, I was frickin' happy. Truly, content, satisfied, efficacious, and peaceful. However, I saw a need. I wanted to further my preceptor role in the company I was working for. I wanted to flesh out a real Staff Development role. Education is important and as matter of fact, is one of the definitions of a health care professional. "A lifelong commitment to learning." And since patient education is easily 3/4 or more of the job, I felt that needed fleshing out as well. Literally, the company I used to work for had NO patient teaching guides to hand out and we wer mandated not to use internet items. Nada. WTF???
I took my ideas and I approached my boss. My bosses boss and then their boss. I got the ole carrot on a stick. So.... no harm, no foul. I pressed on with my learning and my Shaklee business. I saw my patients, not as just a job, but almost as a mission. How could I make good health not only an achievable goal but a desirable goal as well. So I wasn't just going in to their homes and acting all expert like. I was making relationships and finding the thing that would help the patient and/or the caregiver find meaning in what they were doing.
Truly, happy. Content, satisfied, efficacious, and peaceful. Ahh, the good ole days. No, really. I knew how happy I was. Almost daily I counted my blessings. Reveled in my happiness. Heck, I rolled around in it like a dog on a dead animal or pile of pooh.
Then, the offer of a lifetime came my way. WOW. I am soooo lucky. I can take what I know and what I want to do and apply it to make a great Staff Development role. Be the support for the staff. I was in heaven.... Cloud Nine. I embraced my new job and new company as if I was waiting all my life for them. I did what I had done with my romantic relationships all my life.
Whaaat? Whoa. What?
Yup. Before Bill, I gave my heart and soul to every man I dated. I tried to make a 'life' with every one. And was so heartbroken when they didn't want me or what I had to offer. I lost myself in the relationship. I finally figured out, that was self defeating. I took a few years to get my romantic act together and then, I felt good. I was learning to be happy and enjoy my singleness. Then came Bill.
Same thing happened with my new job. I lost myself. I gave away my self efficacy. I embraced the new company as if they were the be-all and end-all. Over the last 17 months I found myself, vulnerable, depressed, shattered, alone, betrayed....and suffering from all the lovely things people can do to others. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I let that happen? I'm relatively smart, but I made major and stooopid mistakes. I didn't really know how to be a Staff Development Coordinator. I had never done the job before. I didn't have an advanced degree in it. I shared those things with the management team...much to my disappointment. I didn't guard my feelings. I didn't safeguard my reputation. I gave it all away. Well, almost all.
So I find myself in a position that no savy career person would ever find themselves. Fighting for my reputation. Fighting for respect. Fighting my own self in way. These managers don't give a fig about me. Or what I feel. Or what I have done and have been doing. If it doesn't benefit them...i.e. take 'work' off their desk...it has little value to them.
Okay. So I'm on vacation. Getting back some of 'me'. I can be more objective about the situation. I use to run when confronted with what would appear to be a no-win situation. In the last 5-7 years, I dig my heels in now and say, "You'll have to fire me" I know....I truly know I have value. What I do has value. What I offer has value. But because I am not organized. Because I am rebuilding my shattered person...I am still vulnerable. And I don't really know how to 'recover' from this. The only advice I have for myself is...."walk the walk".
So, blogging has had it's challenges as well. I did some of the same behaviors with blogging.
And, I think that the resultant resorting to back to back meme's is directly related to this. I'm trying to open myself again. But forearmed or forewarned...I will be.
It's my decision to be happy. I am working at getting back to that place. I am deciding to be happy. If I fake it long enough it will come to fruition.
So...that's about all the soul baring I can handle this am.
Pam
| Permalink | By Pam and Bill
I'm Pam and Bill.
We are DINKS with DOGS & CATS and chickens and turkeys.
Met on a blind date in October of 1993 and married in August of 1994. We have five dogs and two cats.
We live on about 122 or so acres in Southern Vermont. About 12 acres of pasture and the rest is woodland..
11 Comments:
I'm not blowing sunshine up your butt.
It's pretty dark up there, so a little sunshine is welcome... (ok, I had another quip, but will stop there with the butt jokes)
Note on memes, some actually reveal great things. And are a good tool to give people background information about you, or alot of basic information all at once. You don't get the nalf-naked pictures of Catholic School girls but you do get some background.
all right BRING IT ON... Some people may not like reading about Pam and everything that Pam has to say, but there will be other who will delight in hearing about Pam and not just meme after meme. Bloging allows us to be the person that we want to be in person, but it's our own choice if we want to do that.
So, cool...
Have you thought about working your Shaklee harder?
I agree, sometimes meme's reveal a great deal about folks. But in analyzing my last several months of blogging...I've been hiding.
I just sent you an email.
Pam
I'm not sure what's going on, I'm just glad to see you post, meme or not :-)
I might be in the same boat as you, tho...
Hang in there, k?
I just want to continue to get to know you better and better. Hopefully, you will continue to be Pam, laughable, funny, helpful, caring, insightful, dedicated Pam.
Personally, from my own dealings with you regarding Mom (and me) I think you should go back to being the terrific home health care nurse. I think you have a definite gift (talent) in that area and it should be used! :)
Jan, thanks. I appreciate it. I feel we are like twins separated at birth sometimes when I read your blog.
AC-Goodness knows you make me smile and tear up at the same time. I want to go back to the field, but I'm financially committed now to this level of income. Possibly in a few years, when Bill's income has gone up we will be able to afford me going back to the field. If I last that long. Otherwise, we'll just have to take the hit.
On the other hand, hopefully I'm helping to make some excellent home health nurses in my current job. I dunno. I don't get much feedback. And sometimes what I have to work with frightens me...
And despite not caring for much of anything F. Nietzsche wrote, I do believe this quote is remarkable: "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
I cannot argue with your quote!
And, I understand about the income level etc. But, sometimes, the money just isn't worth it. In the meantime, I'm going to begin praying for positive changes in the work place. :)
I say let it all out! What needs to come out is better said than left unsaid. I've found it very healing for me to type my thoughts. People don't have to read it. Or they can if they want to. It's just me...opening myself up and letting it all hang out finally. It took me 40 years to get to this point...and I'm glad I hung in there to get here. =o)
Sorry to hear things are not what you would like. I suffer from a lot of the same experiences, it seems, that you do in my career. Your post was very enlightening.
Take care
ICL
I can relate to your work history... i think you are (were) just out of sync - in that last job and maybe in the wrong type of job. You are growing faster than the culture can accept. This could mean your happiness and continued growth is best found in a job like you had previously ... where you are not dependent on their support or approval. Of course i'm no expert -- that's just my observation.
I have had a support job and a marketing job and the later was by far the most difficult -- very dog eat dog. I learned i'd rather do the former (happier - felt like i contributed more and others were appreciative) vs. the marketing job -- because the people (bosses and peers) always seemed to be running into each other - self important and it was exhausting.
Do what makes you happy -- including what you blog. There's a difference between being selfish and self preservation. Readers who understand the difference will be around to read and those that don't - well they were out of sync with you and that's OK. The have to do what works for them. Their lives are changing too and sometimes it clicks and sometimes it doesn't.
Write what you want - i'll be around to read -- but if for some reason i am not - it's not you - it's probably something strange going on at my place that will eventually get sorted out.
Lucy, so glad you are back, you gadabout!!
I like the expression...out of sync. I've been pondering my current state all week now, since I've been on vacation. I would be much more happy back in the field. Maybe something will turn up. Maybe I still have something to learn or maybe I still have something to share in my current position.
Again, good to see you again, sweetie!!
Pam
Wow
So much heart and so much soul in this post. This is what I like to see. The real you. Not just the pretty face... What makes you who you are.
Take Care
Michael
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