Farewell

I thought I would start out by highlighting some of my most cherished memories from my 16 months of blogging. Then I started looking at my entries. I didn't find anything that...uhmmm cherished. Well, except for this: A writing exercise that turned out rather well. I mean...I posted about things I already have memories of so....and I posted about my opinions...well, who the hell cares about my opinions. Nobody but me. (And that is not a self pitying statement...it's just a fact)
Then I started thinking just how much this blog is tied to my current work situation. Not that I have talked about it here but that for the last 2 years at this job I have struggled and as a creative outlet...I blogged. I'm leaving my current job soon. I am in the process of interviewing with several different organizations. As bad as my current job is....I don't want any reminders of it after I am done. I mean...the administrator's voice is on the voicemail system and I cringe every time I go to leave someone a voicemail and have to hear it, which is multiple times per day. And blogging is the biggest thing tied to my current job. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love seeing patients. I love being a home health nurse. These last few weeks when I have been seeing several patients routinely, has emphasized just how much my self esteem is tied to my profession. At this point in time...I have to be a nurse. Just not with this company. There will be a few folks I will miss. The administrator isn't one of them.
At first, I thought my struggles and pain were growing pains. I thought I was growing. In retrospect, I was trying to please the administrator. I was trying to be something I am not. I sorta lost myself for awhile. I lost my confidence, my self esteem and most importantly, my self efficacy. I became defensive and a bit paranoid. I don't want to be that person any more. I don't want any reminders of that person or that place or that time. I usually try to keep name badges for my scrapbook. Not this time. I take pics of me with coworkers and the building...for my scrapbook. Not this time. Whenever I wanted to escape from this environment....from my self imposed prison...I blogged. Do you see why I need to stop blogging? Do you see that I am not abandoning you all? I may not come around to your sites. I will be emailing you, if I have your addy, and I've already begun to do that. Sometimes a personal note, sometimes a BCC of something interesting or funny. You are welcome to do the same. My only request...insistent request, is that you not forward things without cleaning it up first. If you send me something with more than one forward, my virus program will not scan it and I will not open it. If you want me to take you off my email list, I would gladly oblige. All you have to do is ask. I will try not to take it personally. And BTW...I don't send out ANYTHING, that I don't think is worthwhile. (One of my cousins wouldn't open things from me if she thought it was a forward because she thought it was junk. I set her straight. That's all I am doing now) Okay, except for those blasted "must send to 7 other people in 5 mins or you will have 7 years bad luck". If I think your email is one of those, I don't open it. If I do, dangit...I'm just that superstitious and will send it to the people that I know would forgive me for doing that.
Okay.
I have met some wonderful folks thru my blogging experience. I have grown some thru blogging. I have had some painful experiences in blogging as well. People I thought were friends, that didn't turn out that way. Just like life. I get upset when folks find out I have a blog or I met this friend thru blogging....and they ever so subtly turn up their nose. Whatever. But my trip to Montana will forever be the highlight of my blogging experience followed closely by my blogger friends response to me mums head shaving last year and of course, Legs.
I've known for several years that relationships are the most important thing in life. Recently, I have come to really understand what that means. There are some relationships I have had to let go. They were counterproductive. That's a nice way of saying...it was hurting me or them or both of us to continue the relationship. I was dying inside everytime I was confronted with an aspect of those relationships. Some of these were small relationships...one or two...were primary relationships. I feel bad... but much less so than I did trying to make that relationship work.
So, here I am. Composing my final blog post. I thought I might do a video. I think I would cry. I don't like people to see me cry. I think I would babble. I don't want you to see me babble.

So let me just say....Thank you. Thank you for being there. For helping me get started, for showing me cool things to do on my blog. For letting me know I wasn't alone. For sharing your life with me. For caring about me. I hope I did the same for you. It's just time for a different phase of my life. If we can keep in touch, outstanding. If we can't, I wish you the very best that life has to offer, peace, love and energy.
It took about 5 or 6 attempts before I was satisfied and well, here you are. As promised.


♥Pam